Good Vs.Bad

waited and waited and waited and waited..

He finally came. Yet this time, I wasn't as excited as I used to be to finally have the chance to see him again. Despite knowing that we would be spending the next 7 days together, I wasn't really looking forward for each and every moment that was going to come.

Why? I asked myself. A question that I wasn't even able to answer myself. Confused, amazed and lost, I was.

He finally came to visit me, though it was almost two-three weeks later from the date he first promised. May be that was when it all went wrong. After realising he wasn't coming in late Feb, I was really disappointed and I finally made up my mind. Judging from all the aspect and taking everything into consideration, I asked myself " how much longer am I going to fool myself?".

He decided to further his study in the State. While knowing that myself would spend the next few years staying here in London, I didn't see any chance, any ways, any posibility of us being together. Plus, I really didn't see any future at all.

So, " how much longer am I going to fool myself to live in that dream, that fantasy that will never come? ".
I answered myself, I made a decision. I wanted nothing more than just to stay friends.
The first night that we spent together, a stupid self of me was acting against the decision that I had made earlier or was it all because I didn't even know I had actually already made that decision ? I reached to him, still reacting in the same way that I did before. We kissed, we cuddled and we spoke...

However, things changed significantly over the next few days and nights. I sub-conciously tried to avoid any physical contact with him, which might cause him some false illusions. Why? Why did I act that way ... ??

On the fourth night, he asked:" what's wrong, dear? " and I lied. I said " nothing, just I am tired and I didnt want to have s.. , so I didn't want to give you any false illusion. I am sorry. ".
He smiled and said : " it is not all about that.."
" I am sorry, I am just being silly myself.. sorry " and I laughed, half-heartedly..

The last night after he had thanked me for the stay, I felt abit guilty and I finally spoken up and apologized. Apologized for being so distant, so abnormal with him these days. Finally I told him my reasons. He seemed to have understood what I meant and what I thought and said. As usual, he was always that assuring, supportive and understanding...

was it me being all selfish again?
knowing just to protect my own feeling and getting what I want for myself but hurting people along the way? I think, I had been and I was being selfish. But on the other hand, as I said, I really didnt want to go through all the stages again... we departed, we missed or at least I would spend weeks to miss him and then calmed myself down again, convinced myself to accept the fact and the reality and then we were cool again. Friends on the net with occasional chat.

I thought it would be easier this time as I had somehow 'blocked' my feelings or rather concealed most part of it... yet, once again... he left and I had a shit day. Went back to work hours after he left... didn't feel like working at all the whole day. My mind was wondering somewhere... empty....
Over the stay, I asked myself a serious question, "as much as I said we have known each other for years and how close we have been but do I really know him that much?"
another question that I couldn't answer... I really couldn't this time...


Was it a good thing? That I had told him what I wanted and the different future for us both that I had always thought about? And I had made a decision to just remain merely friends?
Or was it a bad thing? I hurt him...
Was it a good thing? That he paid a visit this time?
Or was it a bad thing?


12th March, 1345hrs... we hugged goodbye in Heathrow...