Finally met up with Dave again. Was abit special today that he was actually going out to Heaven with us tonight. Well, he finally arrived seconds after James and the girls left and so, we headed to Heaven.
Was fun in the begining. We danced, walked around Heaven, finding the perfect room with perfect music for us all. Then finally ended up in VIP room again, sitting around, resting, having a chat.
Then we finally decided to go back to the dance floor, we walked out of the VIP room and his friend walked passed him and said hi. I left him and when we were waiting and turned around, they were kissing....
oh.. sour feeling stormed on me straight away... seeing someone that you like kissing someone else is not the best feeling at all.. ouch!!! heart got all crampped up...
honza : ok, we could just leave him there. Let's go somewhere else to dance.
me : ok. sure! ( with a bitter smile on the face )
For the first couple of minutes, wasn't feeling great nor easy. Abit jumpy, sour, and a couple of unexplainable feeling mixed up in the stomach... then finally, eased myself down and there he was again. Came around and 're-joined' the group.. oh. awkward... well, we continued to dance, what else could I do ???
in the VIP room ...
Dave: so, is there anyone in the room you like?
me : ( shaking my head ) nope. ( well,my heart was actually saying 'YOU' !!! )
minutes later...
Dave: really? is there no one in the room you like? what about the blonde guy over there?
me : ( shaking my head again ) nope. ( well, 'YOU' are the one I like in the room )
thinking back, may be I should have told him that when we were in the VIP room that I do really like him.(another checked point to be added to the list ' Why Dessy is a big looooser of all time ' ) But then again, I guessed the feeling will be a lot more worse when I saw him kissing someone else right in front of me.
I think he is just not that into me and I was being too foolish to realise and too stubborn to wake up from the dream that I had.
Based on all the teases he gave me, my dressing style, my weird english accent, how I dance, how scene queeny I am and all that...plus, how he just seems to enjoy mentioning all his saucy encounters and ex-bfs... YyyyyyyyyyUP! I am just not his type. Well.. good now then I finally 'SEE' the point !!! Merely just a friend...
stupid enough or just so DESSSY enough, I waited for the bus with him for like 15-20mins...
well, Stefan Ho, I am not going to sing ' you want a piece of me' anymore..
I am singing ' HE GOT TO GO' =P
Wasn't a great night out... School Reunion Party postponed, James and the girls not coming to Heaven, Umzy acting abit weird again, Dave kissed someone in front of me... but still feel good coming home to a cleaned room ( cleaned the room before I went out though didnt hoover =P )
and still proud of myself for being able to 'sell' 20 dinner vouchers in less than 2 hours!!! =)
>>>>Life sucks! Then you DIE!!<<<<
it is almost 6 in the morning... off tomorrow but still no plan yet. Another wasted offday I guess.
A sunday chilling out in the park with Dave was apparently not happening tomorrow. =) OppS!
>>>> Take a deeo breathe... sigh... and smile again... <<<<
Well...cased closed... time to move on...
Wonder how long would that take me to have a feeling toward someone again... =)
James & Lindsey, the 4 people dinner will have to be postponed again....!!! =)
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
I miss...
Francesco : so, how was the experience?
me: oh well, I do miss it alot. I miss the feeling of actually being with somebody. Sharing things,being in a relationship and having someone. Yeah, that's what I miss the most.....
on the way home from a night out with Joe, he put his arms around me and fell asleep on my shoulders/stomach. Such a nice feeling again... slowly, I felt drownsy too and I also felt asleep. Though missed the stop I had to get off, but falling asleep with someone in your arms is such a nice feeling..
I miss falling in love....
I miss being with someone....
I miss having someone on my mind all the time....
I miss having someone to go to whenever I feel happy or sad....
I miss hugging and kissing someone...
I MISS.....
me: oh well, I do miss it alot. I miss the feeling of actually being with somebody. Sharing things,being in a relationship and having someone. Yeah, that's what I miss the most.....
on the way home from a night out with Joe, he put his arms around me and fell asleep on my shoulders/stomach. Such a nice feeling again... slowly, I felt drownsy too and I also felt asleep. Though missed the stop I had to get off, but falling asleep with someone in your arms is such a nice feeling..
I miss falling in love....
I miss being with someone....
I miss having someone on my mind all the time....
I miss having someone to go to whenever I feel happy or sad....
I miss hugging and kissing someone...
I MISS.....
Monday, 23 March 2009
...BaBa...
Dad seemed abit too loving today through his msgs...
"dun d0 anything ba w0uldn't d0 0k,take care, lou u"
don't know what exactly did he mean but somehow had a feeling that he was thinking about my sexuality while typing this msg...
or may be I was tooo sensitive and thought too much....
he just simply wanted me to stay safe as he said...
"dun d0 anything ba w0uldn't d0 0k,take care, lou u"
don't know what exactly did he mean but somehow had a feeling that he was thinking about my sexuality while typing this msg...
or may be I was tooo sensitive and thought too much....
he just simply wanted me to stay safe as he said...
....Not Vernice AnyMore...
>>> Peace - Not Vernice AnyMore - ( M.I. S.*a love icon* D) <<<
my heart dropped the moment I saw his nick on msn...
yes, I hurt him...
my heart dropped the moment I saw his nick on msn...
yes, I hurt him...
...missing...
" Nathan says:
ive missed hanging out with u des "
If not because of this conversation that we just had... I wouldn't realised that we haven't seen each other for around 3 months. Wow.. time does fly...
I miss you too, Nate...
ive missed hanging out with u des "
If not because of this conversation that we just had... I wouldn't realised that we haven't seen each other for around 3 months. Wow.. time does fly...
I miss you too, Nate...
Good Vs.Bad
waited and waited and waited and waited..
He finally came. Yet this time, I wasn't as excited as I used to be to finally have the chance to see him again. Despite knowing that we would be spending the next 7 days together, I wasn't really looking forward for each and every moment that was going to come.
Why? I asked myself. A question that I wasn't even able to answer myself. Confused, amazed and lost, I was.
He finally came to visit me, though it was almost two-three weeks later from the date he first promised. May be that was when it all went wrong. After realising he wasn't coming in late Feb, I was really disappointed and I finally made up my mind. Judging from all the aspect and taking everything into consideration, I asked myself " how much longer am I going to fool myself?".
He decided to further his study in the State. While knowing that myself would spend the next few years staying here in London, I didn't see any chance, any ways, any posibility of us being together. Plus, I really didn't see any future at all.
So, " how much longer am I going to fool myself to live in that dream, that fantasy that will never come? ".
I answered myself, I made a decision. I wanted nothing more than just to stay friends.
The first night that we spent together, a stupid self of me was acting against the decision that I had made earlier or was it all because I didn't even know I had actually already made that decision ? I reached to him, still reacting in the same way that I did before. We kissed, we cuddled and we spoke...
However, things changed significantly over the next few days and nights. I sub-conciously tried to avoid any physical contact with him, which might cause him some false illusions. Why? Why did I act that way ... ??
On the fourth night, he asked:" what's wrong, dear? " and I lied. I said " nothing, just I am tired and I didnt want to have s.. , so I didn't want to give you any false illusion. I am sorry. ".
He smiled and said : " it is not all about that.."
" I am sorry, I am just being silly myself.. sorry " and I laughed, half-heartedly..
The last night after he had thanked me for the stay, I felt abit guilty and I finally spoken up and apologized. Apologized for being so distant, so abnormal with him these days. Finally I told him my reasons. He seemed to have understood what I meant and what I thought and said. As usual, he was always that assuring, supportive and understanding...
was it me being all selfish again?
knowing just to protect my own feeling and getting what I want for myself but hurting people along the way? I think, I had been and I was being selfish. But on the other hand, as I said, I really didnt want to go through all the stages again... we departed, we missed or at least I would spend weeks to miss him and then calmed myself down again, convinced myself to accept the fact and the reality and then we were cool again. Friends on the net with occasional chat.
I thought it would be easier this time as I had somehow 'blocked' my feelings or rather concealed most part of it... yet, once again... he left and I had a shit day. Went back to work hours after he left... didn't feel like working at all the whole day. My mind was wondering somewhere... empty....
Over the stay, I asked myself a serious question, "as much as I said we have known each other for years and how close we have been but do I really know him that much?"
another question that I couldn't answer... I really couldn't this time...
Was it a good thing? That I had told him what I wanted and the different future for us both that I had always thought about? And I had made a decision to just remain merely friends?
Or was it a bad thing? I hurt him...
Was it a good thing? That he paid a visit this time?
Or was it a bad thing?
12th March, 1345hrs... we hugged goodbye in Heathrow...
He finally came. Yet this time, I wasn't as excited as I used to be to finally have the chance to see him again. Despite knowing that we would be spending the next 7 days together, I wasn't really looking forward for each and every moment that was going to come.
Why? I asked myself. A question that I wasn't even able to answer myself. Confused, amazed and lost, I was.
He finally came to visit me, though it was almost two-three weeks later from the date he first promised. May be that was when it all went wrong. After realising he wasn't coming in late Feb, I was really disappointed and I finally made up my mind. Judging from all the aspect and taking everything into consideration, I asked myself " how much longer am I going to fool myself?".
He decided to further his study in the State. While knowing that myself would spend the next few years staying here in London, I didn't see any chance, any ways, any posibility of us being together. Plus, I really didn't see any future at all.
So, " how much longer am I going to fool myself to live in that dream, that fantasy that will never come? ".
I answered myself, I made a decision. I wanted nothing more than just to stay friends.
The first night that we spent together, a stupid self of me was acting against the decision that I had made earlier or was it all because I didn't even know I had actually already made that decision ? I reached to him, still reacting in the same way that I did before. We kissed, we cuddled and we spoke...
However, things changed significantly over the next few days and nights. I sub-conciously tried to avoid any physical contact with him, which might cause him some false illusions. Why? Why did I act that way ... ??
On the fourth night, he asked:" what's wrong, dear? " and I lied. I said " nothing, just I am tired and I didnt want to have s.. , so I didn't want to give you any false illusion. I am sorry. ".
He smiled and said : " it is not all about that.."
" I am sorry, I am just being silly myself.. sorry " and I laughed, half-heartedly..
The last night after he had thanked me for the stay, I felt abit guilty and I finally spoken up and apologized. Apologized for being so distant, so abnormal with him these days. Finally I told him my reasons. He seemed to have understood what I meant and what I thought and said. As usual, he was always that assuring, supportive and understanding...
was it me being all selfish again?
knowing just to protect my own feeling and getting what I want for myself but hurting people along the way? I think, I had been and I was being selfish. But on the other hand, as I said, I really didnt want to go through all the stages again... we departed, we missed or at least I would spend weeks to miss him and then calmed myself down again, convinced myself to accept the fact and the reality and then we were cool again. Friends on the net with occasional chat.
I thought it would be easier this time as I had somehow 'blocked' my feelings or rather concealed most part of it... yet, once again... he left and I had a shit day. Went back to work hours after he left... didn't feel like working at all the whole day. My mind was wondering somewhere... empty....
Over the stay, I asked myself a serious question, "as much as I said we have known each other for years and how close we have been but do I really know him that much?"
another question that I couldn't answer... I really couldn't this time...
Was it a good thing? That I had told him what I wanted and the different future for us both that I had always thought about? And I had made a decision to just remain merely friends?
Or was it a bad thing? I hurt him...
Was it a good thing? That he paid a visit this time?
Or was it a bad thing?
12th March, 1345hrs... we hugged goodbye in Heathrow...
Sunday, 8 March 2009
he is just not that into you
gigi said have faith... =)
nice film... and with a msg... nice! like it.. =)
nice film... and with a msg... nice! like it.. =)
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